Why women should not be allowed to use the London Underground

Squashed against a window, smelling someone’s sweat and attempting to read a free publication (with stories about animals dressed like humans) can mean only one thing: the daily commute on the London Underground.

If like me, you are one of the lucky Londoners who have the joy of this daily jostle with your fellow countrymen and loving tourist, you will no doubt have come across a few women sharing the compartment with you but should they be allowed?
A few points to argue why they should not…

1. Inability to use the exit gates Why is it whenever I have a 9am meeting I’m always caught behind the fashionista with a bag that would be more suitable for a weekend trip to Bath than a day trip to the office? Not that I have anything against oversized bags on an already cramped Tube (please sense sarcasm) but it’s more because she always decides to find her Oyster card at the exit gate. But what’s that? You can’t find it? Who would have thought in a bag THAT BIG you’d struggle to find it? More to the point, you’ve just had a thirty minute Tube journey, a further ten minutes on an escalator but never thought these might be the ideal times to find your Oyster card? Don’t panic, I’ll just wait here with the rest of the rush hour traffic as I’ve now missed the start of my meeting…

2. Getting dressed on the Tube As I sit opposite a woman doing her makeup and combing her matted hair I often ponder what her response would be if I reached into my bag and pulled out a toothbrush and toothpaste and began to brush my nashers. But it isn’t just the pain of watching you apply your eyeliner all over your face, oh no, there is the soaking wet hair to contend with. No doubt you didn’t have time to flick the hair dryer on this morning.

3. Trainers with suits Like crumbs in the butter dish and empty toilet rolls on the dispenser, there cannot be a more annoying pet hate than women who insist on a sexy suit teamed with the latest running trainers. Do you even run? Is the walk that far and do you really save that much time?

4. Did I mention oversized bags I think I did but just to echo my point. Why do you need THAT HUGE bag? What the hell do you carry? I can see there is no laptop in it as that sits in ANOTHER bag.

5. The gym back that never leaves your back Is the Tube was packed? Of course it is, its rush hour but yet you have to keep that bag full of products and a gym kit (that has never seen the light of day) nestled on your back throughout this crammed journey. Thank God you haven’t discovered foldaway bikes!

I appreciate men are not much better…or are they???

Entrapment At Matinee

Gays, we are a funny breed. Just when I think I’ve heard it all, every form of game play, someone comes along and surprises me.

So there I am enjoying my night at Matinee in its new, well new for me, venue Cable. After an agonising wait in the toilet queue some idiot decided to jump in front of the person at the head of the queue, please note I was second in line. Whilst the rather ravaged creature in front allowed this to happen I was having none of it. But the gentlemen in question didn’t push in to go to the toilet. Oh no, instead with the door open he stood on the seat and leaned over the partition to have a conversation with whoever was next door. When I asked him in my kindest voice to “get the fuck out of there”, he replied that he would only be a minute. So I extended my invite again and told him to either get out or I would go in and release my bodily fluid in the bowel and if it hit his jeans than so be it.

He of course ignored this and I therefore ignored him and went to relieve myself. A few seconds later he jumped down and decided to engage in a conversation. So me, with my cock in one hand and my mind elsewhere attempted to listen and than it came. Oh the humour.

It transpires that the gentlemen, lets call him Einstein, who I was sharing a cubicle with was actually talking to his date in the cubicle next door. It seems that Einstein liked this guy so much that he took him on a date to that most romantic of destinations; Matinee and asked two of his friends to ‘try it on with him’. Oh yes, the good old fashion entrapment tactic.

But Einstein informed me with delight that his date passed both tests. “Congratulation” I retorted, “that is great news, now please can I be left alone to finish my wee”? But alas no, it seems Einstein’s lover didn’t pass the third test and was in fact next door fucking someone else – picture the romantic scene!

Looking at me for sympathy, Einstein didn’t find any. Instead what I pointed out is that the only person who ever gets hurt by games is those who start them. If he spent more time enjoying his lovers company than trying to make him slip up this may never have happened and rather than getting on my last nerve and interrupting my piss they could both be on the dance floor snogging each others face off.

Games, why do gays love to them so much?

ENERGIE Hits 20 – I Hit The Booze

So, somehow on Friday I managed to wangle my tight butt a ticket to the Energie birthday party at their flagship store on Carnaby Street. The Italian fashion brand was celebrating 20 years of oversized buckles, shinny leather jackets and over zipped jeans.

While sipping on vodka cocktails the evening begun as many do with me watching funny PR girls running around in their high heels, over straightened blonde hair and layered makeup faces pretending to be busy and important. Having had years of experience in the PR field, dashing around events like a headless chicken, I always find it funny being on the other end of the clipboard.
My friends and I took up our post, next to the bar naturally, and ogled at the various fit straight men in attendance. One friend decided he would play it cool and chat to some random but ended up scaring the poor macho man out of the party. Run fat boy run!

Whilst the evening started slow it picked up with a nice helping hand from out Columbian connection. A few more vodka cocktails and we were ready for the nights entertainment: ex-factor contestant Ruth Lorenzo. Now, to say I was blown away was an understatement. Being a hard lined Leona fan I was intrigued as her set began with the melody to Run and in truth I thought she would fall flat on her face to challenge The Voice. She didn’t! In fact she was amazing and I look forward to hearing her upcoming album. I must admit I was mesmerized until I saw the cute image from the corner of my eye that is Brian Friedman. Despite his ghastly shirt I would still give him a go.


Annoyingly or perhaps luckily as I was about to pounce, sorry I mean make my move, I was grabbed my friend who was insistent we move our party of 3 to a new location. Mr Gay-Guy-In-London was not happy although I can’t work out if the look in Brian’s eye was one of relief or sorry.

It gets worse! The first email to greet me of the day was JLS made a surprise appearance. JLS! I fucking hate surprises. Forget Brian, I could of made my moves on little Ashton – I got a thing for small men. Still what’s a hot shag when you can have shits and giggles with mates…

Naughty, Naughty, Ms Moss!

So the lovely Ms Kate Moss is once again filling our press with more column inches but this time it’s not over cocaine or ketamine but apparently encouraging young girls to become anorexic.

According to Sky News “The British star caused outrage after revealing that one of her mottos is the phrase "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" in a recent interview to fashion website WWD.” Apparently her actions have reignited the size zero debate with many accusing poor Kate of promoting the look.

Hmmmm, Sky I’m not outraged! Can no once sense that her remarks were made in jest? Christ, can no one make a joke anymore?

I’ve actually had the pleasure of meeting Ms Moss, well ok we were in the same room and never actually spoke but it’s the same thing. Anyway! I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me admitting a little detail about her, she is not a size zero! I know, shock horror. Also whilst she may not be in the running for Mother of the Year, Kate is a mum and do people really think that she would want to encourage such behavior to her child. So why are the press jumping on the band wagon to blame her, was there really nothing to write about in today’s press?

There is no doubt that we are an image obsessed society. I too am part of this cattle run, I say this with my desk draw filled with protein and creatine in that never ending attempt at body perfection. I’m washing it all down today with my 3rd mince pie so I guess the six pack goal can wait another day.

Anyway, back to my point. Whilst celebs such as Kate do have influence over teenagers I don’t think we can attack them over ever joke they make. Especially to the extreme of every major newspaper, tv channel and tiny gay blog covering it! They are human after all.

So the question moving forward is what will her PR team conjure up to get her back on side with the press, hmmm perhaps she will take over from Fergie as the new face of Weight Watchers, after all "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" was originally their tagline.

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What Gay Community?

Ian Baynham, who was brutally attacked in September and died as a result of his injuries, will be buried today, almost 2 months after his death.

When I heard of the attack against Ian I was, like most, shocked/upset/ angry, a mixture of emotions. How could something like this still be happening and not only in London (one of the most diverse cities in the world) but in Central London? Ian Baynham wasn’t attacked close to some suburban shopping centre but a stones throw from one of England’s most famous landmarks –Nelsons Column.

Before I could fully absorb what had happened news came of another horrific assault, this time against trainee PC James Parks in Liverpool. The 22-year-old was set upon by around 13 teenagers and I understand he is still in hospital.

Thankfully the police were very quick to act on both attacks and had quickly arrested a number of suspects. I’ve heard many stories in the past of how unhelpful the police are towards homophobic crime but this seemed to be something they wanted to rectify and they had won my admiration. The gay community on the offer hand didn’t.

I had the privilege of helping to organise the anti-hate vigil that took place in Trafalgar Square on Friday 20th October where an estimated 10,000 people attended. This is a fantastic number especially in the short time it was organised but my question is; why was it only 10,000?

I was truly saddened when I spoke to so many gay people who simply couldn’t be bothered to attend. One guy at my gym said he couldn’t make as he had a party later that night. A PARTY!!!! What the fuck? I was also surprised by how many people not only didn’t know about the vigil but had no knowledge about the attacks either. Does no gay man read something other than the club pages of QX? It appears not, an article on Homovision.TV showed that around 70% of those they questioned had no about the attack on Ian Baynham.

We talk often about the gay ‘community’ but it seems that away from club land this doesn’t exist. I would have thought, I would have hoped, that after the attack in Nelson Column, where many gay men pass through on their way home that a number much larger than 10,000 would have stood side by side. Whilst I love the party world and the gay hub that is Soho, there is a world outside it and we should all remember this.

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Vigil at scene of anti-gay attack (news.bbc.co.uk)

Vigil for Ian Baynham

I’ve been so slow with adding a new post to my blog and sadly it has to be such an upsetting one. Many of you will have heard of Ian Baynham, the 62 who died two weeks ago after an assault close to the South African High Commission in Trafalgar Square.

The unprovoked homophobic attack took place on Friday 25th September shortly before 11pm and the police are still looking for two young women and a man in connection with the attack.

I am writing this post to not only call on anyone who has information to come forward but also for you to join me on Friday 30th October for a vigil in Mr Baynham’s memory. I believe it is important when horrible incidents like this occur for the gay community should come together, side my side and make a stand.

www.homovision.tv have spearheaded the vigil. I would also ask you all to register on the Facebook page, forward it to your friends but most importantly join us from 8pm at Trafalgar square. http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=161964291535&index=1#/event.php?eid=152586453159&ref=share

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The Gay Obsession With Unprotected Sex

Birds do it, bees do it, educated fleas do it and it seems every gay man is intent on doing it too, unprotected sex that is.

Having recently rejoined the fabulous (sense the sarcasms) world of singledom and as a result, attempting to have as many shags in a week as possible, I’ve been amazed by the amount who want to do it without little jonhny! Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there, had the drunken night where you get a bit too frisky and, whoops, we did it without the rubber. In fact when I was a silly teenager I had more unprotected sex than I would care to remember or share!!!

So with all the risks out there why do so many want to do it? I’ve had sex three times this week (yep slag like I said) and each charming gentlemen has attempted to slip it in without a rubber, what’s the deal with that? Do I have slapper written on my forehead or tattooed across my arse?

Gentlemen Number 1
Now considering his line of work, prostitution, I would have thought safe sex would be high on the agenda but how wrong I was - I would like to point out I only found out two days later about his profession, so yes you guessed it I didn’t pay. Everybody loves a freebie although I’m more used to the two-for-one packs of orange juice at Sainsbury’s. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes my charming Brazilian lover trying to stick it in without a condom or EVEN LUBE for that matter, “errrrr it isn’t a hallway and that isn’t a spanner” I cried! “And where the hell is Johnny?”

Gentlemen Number 2
Unlike Gentlemen 1 who I met at a chill out, by the way, why do we call it that? Do you ever see anyone ‘chilling out’? All I see is more drug taking, oh and the occasional Einstein going under on G. Anyway, stop rambling. Gentlemen 2 started off with a nice romantic dinner at Soho House and ended up with him attempting to hold me down in bed with my arms behind my back whilst forcing his cock in my tight (yes I said tight) arse. Errr, sorry I have I just been cast in a rape scene from Hollyoaks? Needless to say this time the cry was even louder and when I asked about the condom he told me he simply didn’t have any. Oh right, I guess that makes it ok for you to try and fuck me without one. Luckily a quick visit to the 24hr Tesco store sorted that issue out. What a romantic image it was, there we were, queuing with (Tesco Finest) pizza and condoms.

Gentlemen Number 3
I think he wins the award for best one liner. I mean it was like being 18 all over again, “oh I’m not going to put it all the way in, I just want to feel it against your arse”. Errr when it’s starting to penetrate my sphincter you are no longer rubbing against it...your practically in it!! This witty character also informed me that he too had no condoms. This was an interesting comment as once I said I don’t do unprotected sex he magically produced not one but three of the slippery little gems. Oh, who said romance was dead?

Needless to say, I type this as deleting 3 numbers from my mobile. On the plus side at least I won’t have to pay for another meal for 2 at Soho House.

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